Posts Tagged ‘working out’

A Joy 3-10-11

I consider myself a world class candy connoisseur.  As such and as a member of the Fat and Sloppy Nation I’m duty bound to sample the new candies that come on the market.  This is something I do for humanity – I like to think.  Happy times come when I wander around and find a new type of candy.  It makes me feel like Columbus discovering America.

I have two type of candy favorites.  They are the colorful and jelly type.  A week back, while at a convention in Las Vegas, I found a new candy and have fallen in love with it in my mouth.  It is called Joys.  Joys is a candy bar with a red semi-solid jello filling covered with a thin layer of dark chocolate. The center has a fruity sort of raspberry taste and a perfect not too hard, not too soft consistency; its just right.  It comes dressed in a yellow wrapper.

I find true happiness when I eat them. For a brief few seconds, when its me and this raspberry covered chocolate bar, all my other senses step aside in honor of my mouth. Only the mouth exists. Worries disappear, time stops, the eighty-five bucks I just spent on nearly 100 candy bars doesn’t matter; I am transported to taste bud paradise.

I felt greedy, but I bought every Joy the store put out for public purchase.  I had to hide my stash from my family.  They don’t want me eating so much candy (what do they know?) and want to prevent me from enjoying my Joys.  I have been eating five of these candy bars a day.  I could eat more, but I don’t.  I like to consider myself a person with good self control.

On a side note, but possibly related to the Joy story, I almost fell off my chair onto the floor yesterday while I was tieing my shoe at work.  I couldn’t reach over my stomach and I lost my balance trying to reach for my shoe.

2-17-11 Women and a Man Taking a Dump.

Maybe because I’ve been working out for the last few days, I took a dump this morning.  Even a morning dump is a welcome development in my middle aged stressed out life.  Unfortunately, that private and somewhat special event wasn’t private this time.

As what felt like a glass studded tree stump slowly and painfully emerge from my rectum, I was robbed of my man moment when my wife flitted into the bathroom to happily list her days activities for me.   I didn’t request a listing of her daily activities and told her to leave the room.

What I find hard to understand isn’t that my anal sphincter quickly recovers from this trauma, or that my wife feels that I’m not entitled to any privacy,  but how my wife always wants to talk to me when I should be unavailable to her.  Is it her or all women who don’t understand?  I consistently have to banish her from my presence when I’m unloading my packed colon, how many times do we have to go through this exercise?  Is there something in the wife constitution that makes her want to be near me during this special man time?

My turd dramas don’t concern her and she happily tells me all the little things she has scheduled today.   After I finally got rid of her and looked forward to finishing up what I like to call “my quiet moments,” my daughter walks in holding her nose.  Now she has some questions for me.  I couldn’t order her away as I did my wife, and I answered her questions.

She told me to put down my magazine to hear what she had to say.  Maybe this is where little girls learn that they can speak to men in the middle of the quintessential man activity.

2-15-11 Sore as Hell After only 50 Push Ups.

I was so sore yesterday and I’m sore still today.  Only 50 push ups made me this sore.  I can’t believe I’m this out of shape.

I want to feel strong again so I’m off to work out.  I have tons of work to do at my job, but the work will still be there when I return.   Having to write about my exercise and the shame I will feel if I quit is a good motivator for me.

When I look in the bathroom mirror, I see a white, harry, paunchy, pudgy, orangutan looking creature; and it’s me!  What happened to me?  I used to be in such good shape.  I was an athlete!  I don’t want to look like this anymore.  I have to stop eating so much food at each meal.

I’m off to work out now.  It feels so decadent to spend time on myself and exercise.  I’m so used to being a work mule and just working all day.

It is 3:00 PM and I’m off.  I weigh about 205 pounds now.  I’ll chart my progress.  I’ll also weigh myself later today and get my exact weight.  As I was walking out the door, I paused for a second and decided I needed a small something of a treat before my journey to work out.  I found and gobbled up two spoons of pure maple butter, a gift my wife brought me from New Hampshire, and it was soooooooooo delicious.  It tastes like the stuff they smear on maple bar donuts.  Wow, that was tasty, and at my age, I don’t discover too many original taste sensations.  I’ve basically eaten every candy or sweet I could get my hands on in my life and this maple butter is a new and good taste treat for me.

Now it is 3:05 and I’m really leaving.

It’s 4:07 PM and I just got back.   The maple butter gave me massive heart burn.

I weigh 204 with my clothes on and that’s my starting point.   I will start exercising now because I hate the feeling of my man boobs bouncing when I run or exercise (I’d like to know the man who does).   I ran stairs for about 1/2 hour and I’m not sore anymore from my push ups.

Middle Age

For the last 27 years I have been working to achieve the American Dream. That dream includes hard work and trying to make enough money to support one’s family while living in the United States, the land of law and order.

I remember in my 20’s when I worked out every day. I used to do 225 pull ups every day and 500 push ups every day. I did these because I had the time and ability to do them. It was what I would call a light workout. I still weighed 150 pounds when I was working out like this. As the years went by, I exercised less and worked more.

I always thought that there would come a time that I would be able to get back to working out. It never happens. I look enviously when I see those younger than me working out. I know I could still do it, but just trying to pay the bills these days takes all my time.

This column is meant as advise to those in their 20’s and 30’s to keep exercising and never let work take that much time that you can’t exercise.

I am now fat and sloppy. This site if for you and is a gift from me. This is advise from a guy in his 40’s who misses doing all the things that there used to be time for.

Starting this column is a good incentive for me to start exercising. I will report on my progress. I welcome comments and questions.

Never trade a few bucks for keeping fit. Look, we all have to work, but I lost all sense of balance and thought that working hard would make me a productive citizen. No, working and enjoying your life will make you a productive citizen.