Archive for April, 2015

Squirrel 1, Me 0 4-26-15

A year ago, we moved into a home with mature fruit trees.  They have perfect flavorful fruit when allowed to ripen. Fat and Sloppy is a big fan of tree ripened fruit.

I fertilize and deep water the trees as instructed by my fertilizer bag.  I celebrate each baby fruit that will develop and ripen into the pride of my existence. I look forward to harvesting and eating fruit from my own trees. Unfortunately, Fat and Sloppy got zero fruit this season because the neighborhood squirrel ate my crop.  This brazen thief seems to steal fruit on a 24/7 basis.  Although he has dropped the peels on me from the branches of a pine tree, I never catch him in the act of running off with my fruit.  The cast off rinds and the discarded half eaten oranges, grapefruits, apples and avocados that litter my yard are silent testimony to an enemy whom I despise. Read more…

Rogue Matress

My days as a house painter are spent on the road giving estimates and monitoring job progress.  My meals are eaten in the car while driving and listening to 1980’s heavy metal cranked to full volume.  The passenger side of my Ford Expedition doubles as a trash can; empty sushi trays, drained smoothie bottles, crumpled Milky Way wrappers, blackened banana peels, and empty plastic Arrowhead water bottles live there and greet new arrivals every day.

A favorite road snack is banana and peanuts.  I take a bite of banana and throw in a mouthful of peanuts. The peanuts are transferred to my mouth via the opening in the 16 ounce Planters Peanut jar.  I chew the banana and peanuts together in my mouth, a tasty mash.

It was a warm Thursday around noon in Los Angeles as I headed back from an estimate in Pasadena to a job in Beverly Hills.  Traffic was light.  I was driving west on the 134 freeway near the Figueroa exit, eating bananas and peanuts, and listening to Rainbow’s 1979 “All night long” on the radio.  The jar was almost empty with just a few peanuts, kernels and brown peanut skins on the bottom of the jar.  I hefted the jar up to my mouth in a way that would move the peanuts off the bottom of the jar but not hit the roof of my car.  I’ve eaten hundreds of pounds of peanuts this way over the years and I consider it a safe activity.  This time, though, a peanut kernel flew into my right eye.  I rubbed my eye with my unsalted middle finger and after I regained focus, I notice I’m approaching a queen size box spring mattress at 60 miles an hour. Read more…