Posts Tagged ‘American’

Food Hangover 8-2-11

Every night around midnight, I get a hankering to eat.  Not just a snack, a full meal.  It’s my right as an American to eat five full meals a day.  When my cravings come upon me, I am obedient and follow them to the refrigerator.  I open the door to survey the my food choices.  If there isn’t anything interesting in the refrigerator, I go to the pantry.  If there isn’t anything interesting in the pantry I go back to the refrigerator.   Eventually I find something, turn on the TV, and eat.

Knowing I have to get up at 5AM makes this late night eating feel so decadent and good.   I’m balancing between the old day and the new one and there is something liberating about quietly eating like a free man in the middle of the night.

This would all be well and good except for the food hang over I’ll get when I wake up in the morning.  I didn’t know why I felt so crappy in the morning, but I consulted other fat and sloppies and they informed me that this is called a food hangover.  I immediately grasped the concept.  I asked them if there was something I could do to still eat and avoid the food hangover.  None of them seemed to know, it wasn’t something they had ever thought about before.

Is this another passage into middle age?  Having to choose eating huge meals at midnight or getting up refreshed in the morning.  I used to be able to do both.

Peeing Sitting Down 5-15-11

Where is it written that men have to pee standing up?   Around a year ago, I started sitting down when I peed at home.  There are a few reasons for this.  First, I can’t stand a dirty home.  One day the sun was shining through my bathroom window at the perfect angle as I was peeing, I saw how much pee splashed out of the toilet and onto my walls and floor using the traditional male pee in the standing position.  I’m the type of person who realizes his toilet walls are coated with urine.  Second, I like comfort and there is always a trade magazine or something to read in my bathroom, and I might get lucky and have to poop also.  Why miss this opportunity?   So, I pee sitting down when I’m at my own house now.

My bathroom is much spiffier now that I sit down to pee.  There are no pee drips on the floor in front of the toilet and the rim is always sparkly clean.  Moreover, the seat is always down.  I should be given an award from the International League of Women.  My wife tells me that I am a superior male specimen.  This is bathroom behavior befitting the perfect man she tells me.  We’ve all overheard women talking about how gross men’ s bathrooms are and men know they are right, but until now there was nothing we could do to help.  Now I consider myself a leader in promoting a new American bathroom hygiene paradigm.

I now feel entitled to encourage my male guests to sit when they pee at my house, but my wife gets livid when she hears this.  She thinks it’s over reaching to tell guests how to behave in my bathroom.  It’s a topic that needs to be discussed though.  Maybe I should start a Facebook page preaching the benefits of sitting down to pee.  I could get a million fans for my page.  Unfortunately, the American male may need more time to evolve, and they’d probably all be women plus me.