Posts Tagged ‘vacation’

Overeating again at the Buffet 4-21-11

No matter how many times I tell myself I won’t over eat, if I’m at a buffet, I overeat.  There is an all you can eat buffet at my hotel.  Why do I like buffets so much?

I have no discipline when it comes to eating food that is layed out in front of me.  There has to be some evolutionary explanation for my uncontrolled buffet behavior and I’d like to know it.  I should hire myself out as an expert to hotels on customer over eating at buffets.  I don’t understand why I keep eating long after I am stuffed.  Something primal in me starts when I join the herd of other over eaters swarming around the buffet offerings.

I’m on vacation with my in-laws and have been eating at hotel buffets for the last three weeks.  I ate so much yesterday that I partially lost consciousness.  I had to go pee so badly but I  didn’t want to get up from the table or abandon my food.   Finally my full bladder was so painful, I had to get up and find a bathroom.

I staggered down the hall and found a bathroom.  I noticed there were no urinals and the wallpaper looked kind of fuffy; I thought it was some kind of hip new bathroom decor.  I found a stall and relieved myself.  I must have peed for five minutes.

What a relief!  I had more room to eat and drink again.  As I was washing my hands, I noticed a woman in the bathroom looking at me with a “what the hell are you doing in here” look in her eyes, and I thought it was odd that she went into the men’s bathroom.  She looked at me like I was some kind of idiot.

I walked out back to the dining hall and looked behind me at the sign on the door and yes, I just peed in the woman’s bathroom.

My Navel 4-18-11

When I was thin, I used to keep my navel clean.  Lint from my t-shirts accumulates over time and gets stuck in there. I gave up cleaning my navel years ago when I joined the fat and sloppy nation. I remember the frustration of not being able to get that junk out of there. I hoped my inability to clean my navel would prod me to stop eating so much. It didn’t help, and I got used to not cleaning my navel.

It had been years since I thought about my navel and that I was once thin enough to clean it; until yesterday.

I’m on vacation with my family and I have been swimming with my daughter every day for a week. After we got out of the pool, I was laying on the chase lounge and my daughter looks over at my stomach and says “Daddy, what’s that in your belly button?”  I hadn’t seen inside my navel in years.  It was stuffed with junk.

I told my daughter what it was and she immediately volunteered to clean it herself.  She wanted to dig her finger in there and clean it out like a nostril.  My navel isn’t like a nostril, its way bigger, and it has to be cleaned gently and carefully.  Not only am I fat and sloppy, I’m also a delicate flower.  I tell her “I’ll get it.”  Still, she insists, and I tell her “no” again.  I have to quickly find a way to clean it before I lose this great viewing angle.  This will require a potentially embarrassing public naval cleaning; something I have never done before.  But since I’m married and fat already, I’m going for it.

The only cleaning implement I had handy was hotel room key card.  I was making some cleaning progress with the edge of the card when (and this is where the embarrassing part comes in) I look up, and the beautiful 23 year old bikini clad waitress is standing over me.  She announces that our lunch is ready.

I ate my grilled chicken and french fries quickly.  I couldn’t wait to get back to my room to clean my navel.  There were no tweezers around, so I used the hook from my nail clippers and began dislodging years of accumulated, forgotten, hardened lint.  It took a while, but finally I got it all.