Posts Tagged ‘duct tape’

Autopsy for a Dead Toilet 10-24-11

I have the best father-in-law in the world.  He likes me and I like him.   Eight years ago, he proposed to me by telling me I had to marry his daughter.  I did.  We visit him every few weeks and he pays for gas, groceries, and restaurants when we are by him.

There are no problems in my and my father-in-law’s relationship except one.  He lives in a cheaply constructed house.  I’m in construction (a house painter) and know bad work when I see it.  Whomever designed and built his house should be put in the Idiots Hall of Fame.   The Three Stooges couldn’t come up with the stupidities that this house has.  Every light switch is behind the door.  There is a five foot square bathroom with three doors that open up into it.  How can that be?  I have to close the other two just to open the one.  If I wanted to make money, I could sell tickets to his house as The Museum of the Stupidest House Ever Built.

His poorly built house has inserted a question mark into me and my father-in-law’s special relationship.  It seems that  my wife (his daughter) has branded me a “toilet clogger,” and no matter who clogs the toilet, everyone accuses me of doing it.  I’ll admit, I have clogged my share of domestic and international toilets, but I plunged this one and it shouldn’t have overflowed.  Seems my wife forgot that the toilet didn’t work, used it, loaded it, and flushed this toilet.  It flowed all over the second floor and poured down through the light fixture into the dining room.  How appetizing!

My father-in-law, a man in his mid 80’s, is a proud do-it-yourselfer. He lifted the toilet from the bathroom floor and carried it outside.  He isn’t a delicate man and things that bother me don’t bother him.  So, he didn’t care when the toilet sloshed it’s contents on the carpet as he manhandled it down the staircase.   There was some kind of primitive male one upsmanship going on here.  He shot me a look as he dragged the toilet downstairs.

The toilet sat on his front lawn the entire weekend for all the neighbors in the cul-de-sac to see and admire.  It also sat there proudly as a monument to the fragile state of our once strong bond.

Since my wife is my father-in-laws only daughter, she is perfect in his eyes.  Blame quickly turned to me as the clogger.  I insisted it wasn’t me who caused the trouble.  The only problem with his toilet was his daughter, but I wasn’t about to turn her in.  He was adamant that I was to blame and started to treat me differently.

His whole family (many cousins were at the house that weekend) argued about causation and blame.  Finally I suggested that an autopsy be performed on the toilet.  My wife agreed that this was the only way to find out if the toilet was defective or someone (fat and sloppy) clogged it.  Sometime later, when no one noticed, my father-in-law took a hammer to the back of the toilet and broke it open.

I didn’t see or hear the results of the autopsy.  My father-in-law didn’t say another word about it.  My wife didn’t say anything either.  Maybe it was me, maybe it wasn’t.  Either way, that problem causing toilet is dead and gone.

Man Entertainment: The National Hardware Show 5-2-11

Every year Las Vegas hosts the National Hardware Show.  Every single thing a man going to a hardware store could ever want to buy is displayed at this show.  

It’s pure man entertainment.  A Disneyland for middle aged men.  I get to talk like a tool using big shot.  There is every tool and product offering to discuss with other guys who are total although total strangers share a common chromosome that makes us enjoy talking about tools.  But, as soon as someone at a booth bores me, I’m off to the next interesting booth to talk like a big shot about a different tool or product again. 

I’ve been a tool enjoying man for over 25 years and it just feels good to walk these shows.  More than that, there are visual delights for as far as I can see; free samples, product demonstrations and so many tools to try.  

My inner scavenger loves the last day of the show because the show vendors give away lots of free stuff (screw drivers, duct tape, caulking, house keys, slim jims, elmer’s glue etc.) that they don’t want to pack up and ship back to their offices.

Every year I leave the show with bags of loot. I bring them home to show my wife like I’m a conquering hero.  She quickly looks at my bags but never cares about my triumph, but that never stops me from loading my bags with loot each and every convention. 

The free ticket link is on the following page and is item #4:

http://www.all-about-house-painting.com/Local_and_national_paint_news.php