Public Toilets and America. 5-31-11

There is a critical but rarely discussed problem in America:  Public toilets.   As a kid, I don’t remember public bathrooms being so deplorable, but now, I’m afraid to use them.  Public toilets were supposed to represent a high point in hygiene and convenience; a mark of civilization, but they have now become the most disgusting places in America.

I believe what is happening to public bathrooms is analogous to what is happening to America.  They let everyone in to do whatever they want without regard for the next person.  People just don’t think about others anymore.  To me, public toilets are a barometer of how we are doing as a republic.

Public toilets were first used in Ancient Babylon and, I would venture, were cleaner than those in America today. In gas stations, Las Vegas casinos, airplanes, McDonalds and most other fast food restaurants for example, I’ve seen all sorts of things dripped and smeared on the seats, bowl, floor, stalls, sinks, walls and ceilings.  It’s almost always an adult version carnival horror show behind the men’s room door.  What incurable disease lurks on those surfaces?  It is rare that I’ll ever find a clean public bathroom.

I’ll do practically anything to avoid going into a public bathroom to poop, because after looking at the toilets, barfing is the first thing that comes to my mind.  Trying not to breathe, disinfecting myself, and hoping that my clothes don’t touch anything are my only thoughts.  Moreover, I’m amazed to see others walk in and sit down right over a uncleaned toilet seat.  Who are these people that this is normal for them?

If I’m out of the house, and I have to go so bad that a public toilet is my only option, I have a protocol for cleaning the seat before I use it that I call “dressing the toilet.”   This cleaning procedure costs me precious painful valuable minutes cleaning the impossible with a packed colon, but it has to be done.  I grab a wet paper towel and clean off the seat and the area of the bowl that the seat doesn’t cover.  Then I dry the seat.  After that I go for the toilet seat covers; hopefully they have them.  I always use two of them.  If not, I have to tear toilet paper and shape it to cover the seat.

By this point my butt is ready to explode.  I don’t have any time left but I still have to struggle with un-perforating the toilet seat cover.  What purpose does the toilet seat cover tongue serve?   Why is this thing perforated?  If I don’t remove the tongue and set the cover down just right, the seat cover slips into the water.  The time it takes to flatten out the folded seat cover tongue often coinsides with the last seconds my sphincter can hold its load.

Once the toilet is ready for me, I carefully roll down my pants, making sure not to let my pants touch the toilet, stall walls, or the floor.  After that, I’m able to use a public bathroom.  When I finish, I make sure to flush.  And I always leave the bathroom cleaner and better than when I got there.